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The past few days, we we're okay.

We laugh and we tickle each other.

We we're OKAY.

Then yesterday while having dinner, she said something that was over the line.

The scene was like this: We were having dinner while watching t.v. Apparently, he was always telling his girl that he loves her. Probably, the girl character kept on confirming or didn't believe. Then guy said "What do you want me to say!? That I don't love you?! Then fine! I DON'T LOVE YOU! Okay??!"

It was after this line that she said, "I wonder when *toot* will say that to you? (with a big smile on her face"

I reply: "You are the most inconsiderate mother I know on the planet." (pissed)

And then she laughs and says "Well, I would be so happy if he tells you he doesn't love you." (still with a freaking big smile on her face)

That was it. I walked out of the room, left my food, went into my room, locked the door and cried. How can my own mother wish for something that terrible?! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. That was the most painful thing she could ever say to me. Or wish for me.Every time she would say something about my boyfriend that seems like she's trying to piss me off, I shrug it off because I know she's doing it on purpose. What's the point if I get pissed? It's not like it would do me any good. But this instance, hearing something like that from her was.... Just plain... CRAP. I don't know what else to feel for her. I don't know if I'd ever appreciate her again.

Why do I always feel sad during my birthday?

Why is it that I either cry the moment my day starts, or is about to end?

Why does it seem like my birthday is the saddest day for every year?

Why isn't my birthday a "happy" birthday?

It's hard when you're an only child.

No siblings to talk to. No instant bestfriend. No confidant. No one to share what you have in mind.

It's specially hard when everything you feel is kept inside and you're on the verge of breaking down.

Your emotions are tearing you apart and yet all you can do is talk to yourself inside your mind.

You have a best friend, who doesn't seem like a best friend.

You're best friend doesn't like the person you love; doesn't give advice that really helps; you don't even feel at ease opening up and pouring out everything you're keeping inside!

I envy those who have amazing relationship with their moms.

And yes, it is mother's day today.

But try having a mother who is terribly moody, untrusting, judgemental, and completely difficult to deal with!

I love my mom, I really do! But it's getting really frustrating and tiring to do so. I'm not quite sure if she's doing it on purpose or maybe because she's got health issues or I don't know. I keep wondering why can't we have a harmonious relationship; why couldn't we be close like other mother and daughters are; why she couldn't learn to listen to what I have to say, or think; why can't I consider her my best friend; why couldn't she try to understand me and how I feel; why..WHY!?!

I love my mom, really. It's just that I can't find the bond between us that a mother and daughter should have. And that hurts me. It really hurts me. I want to establish that bond, I try. I really do. But my tries end up nowhere. I get nothing. Instead, we end up arguing, fighting, quarrelling, disagreeing, and getting pissed off each other. And that hurts me.

Sometimes I think she's overprotective or something.

Like for example, she doesn't like the person I love. Why? Because of some issues. (Refer to my first entry) But I'm happy! But still she doesn't see that, she doesn't believe that. She thinks I'm just going gaga over someone who's not worth it. I can't understand why she couldn't give the person a chance to prove himself. She's not God to judge other people. And she doesn't care that I get hurt everytime she bad mouths my guy, cause she believes in what she heard, in what she found out, in rumors, in stupid things that try to break us. She doesn't even realize how hard it is for me to be away from him. How I cry at night when I miss him; how I cry myself to sleep talking to myself in my head because I can't even tell my own mother how I feel. Or maybe, she knows how I'm suffering and yet she doesn't care. Should I consider it tough love? Oh come on! Maybe this is not the time for tough love, cause it's already tough enough. The situation is already tough. It's actually getting worst. Deteriorating. I don't even believe in the saying "Mothers knows best".

I wonder what is needed to happen for us to build the bond that I keep praying and wishing and hoping for?

Or will it ever happen?

She is really difficult to deal with. I find it hard to understand her. There would be time when she would be angry because she feels neglected. But when you show your affection, your care, your concern, your love for her... She would push you away. There had been many times when I tried bonding with her, getting close to her, trying to build a relationship with her, but it ends up nowhere.

I really envy those girls with amazing relationship with their mothers.

To you girls, cheers! Maintain that bond you have with your mom. You're lucky. Really lucky.

One day, I want to see you fulfilling all your dreams.

One day, I want to meet you down the road with the right woman by your side.

One day, I want to see you happy and contented with your life.

One day, I'd like to hear you thanking me for what had happened.

One day, I want to know that you've learned something from what we had to go through.

I know you loved me truthfully, loyally, and deeply. And yet, I hurt you.

I hurt you so much that you hated loving me.

I hurt you so deeply that you punished yourself for what I did.

I hurt you so bad that you couldn't even accept me as your friend.

I know you're trying your best to move on.

I know you want to get over it and forget me.

I just hope one day, you'd accept me back in your life as a friend. For, I do not want 6 years of friendship thrown away for something that happened. I know it was my doing, but still, if we are mature enough and we truly loved each other before, you would cherish whatever bond that still remains between us. And that is called memories.

I know the day will come when everything between us will be okay.

All I have to do is pray and wait for that one day.

I don't think a person should regret anything that happened or did in the past.

Life is a learning process. We learn from mistakes we commit intentionally or unintentionally. And through learning, we grow as a person.

We may have questioned ourselves why those things had to happen or why and how could we have some things in past, but it doesn't mean you have to regret them.

We may not have the answers immediately, these things could've happened as a preparation for something bigger and better in the future. Ang when that time comes, looking back at our lives, we would understand why we had to go through such moment in our life.