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It's hard when you're an only child.

No siblings to talk to. No instant bestfriend. No confidant. No one to share what you have in mind.

It's specially hard when everything you feel is kept inside and you're on the verge of breaking down.

Your emotions are tearing you apart and yet all you can do is talk to yourself inside your mind.

You have a best friend, who doesn't seem like a best friend.

You're best friend doesn't like the person you love; doesn't give advice that really helps; you don't even feel at ease opening up and pouring out everything you're keeping inside!

I envy those who have amazing relationship with their moms.

And yes, it is mother's day today.

But try having a mother who is terribly moody, untrusting, judgemental, and completely difficult to deal with!

I love my mom, I really do! But it's getting really frustrating and tiring to do so. I'm not quite sure if she's doing it on purpose or maybe because she's got health issues or I don't know. I keep wondering why can't we have a harmonious relationship; why couldn't we be close like other mother and daughters are; why she couldn't learn to listen to what I have to say, or think; why can't I consider her my best friend; why couldn't she try to understand me and how I feel; why..WHY!?!

I love my mom, really. It's just that I can't find the bond between us that a mother and daughter should have. And that hurts me. It really hurts me. I want to establish that bond, I try. I really do. But my tries end up nowhere. I get nothing. Instead, we end up arguing, fighting, quarrelling, disagreeing, and getting pissed off each other. And that hurts me.

Sometimes I think she's overprotective or something.

Like for example, she doesn't like the person I love. Why? Because of some issues. (Refer to my first entry) But I'm happy! But still she doesn't see that, she doesn't believe that. She thinks I'm just going gaga over someone who's not worth it. I can't understand why she couldn't give the person a chance to prove himself. She's not God to judge other people. And she doesn't care that I get hurt everytime she bad mouths my guy, cause she believes in what she heard, in what she found out, in rumors, in stupid things that try to break us. She doesn't even realize how hard it is for me to be away from him. How I cry at night when I miss him; how I cry myself to sleep talking to myself in my head because I can't even tell my own mother how I feel. Or maybe, she knows how I'm suffering and yet she doesn't care. Should I consider it tough love? Oh come on! Maybe this is not the time for tough love, cause it's already tough enough. The situation is already tough. It's actually getting worst. Deteriorating. I don't even believe in the saying "Mothers knows best".

I wonder what is needed to happen for us to build the bond that I keep praying and wishing and hoping for?

Or will it ever happen?

She is really difficult to deal with. I find it hard to understand her. There would be time when she would be angry because she feels neglected. But when you show your affection, your care, your concern, your love for her... She would push you away. There had been many times when I tried bonding with her, getting close to her, trying to build a relationship with her, but it ends up nowhere.

I really envy those girls with amazing relationship with their mothers.

To you girls, cheers! Maintain that bond you have with your mom. You're lucky. Really lucky.